SATURDAY GOLF

Fox Sports 1, 5-8am. US PGA Tour . AT&T National. Second round.

BASEBALL . Chicago Cubs v St Louis Cardinals.

ESPN, 10am-1pm. US Major League

NETBALL Waikato Magic v Canterbury Tactix.

Fox Sports 2, 12.30-2.30pm.

MOTOR SPORT . Round six from Darwin. Qualifying and race one.

Channel Seven, 2-5.30pm. V8 supercars

RUGBY . Northern Suburbs v Warringah.

ABC1, 3-5pm. Shute Shield

LAWN BOWLS . Women's world matchplay finals.

ABC1, 5-6pm. PBA world championships

LEAGUE . Knights v Dragons (Toyota Cup) from 5. Knights v Dragons (first grade) from 7.30.

Fox Sports 2, 5-9.30pm

RUGBY . New Zealand v South Africa from 5.30 (Fox). Australia v France from 8 (Fox and Seven). We went to the game last Saturday, we pored over the post-match analyses, we flicked through the recording when we got home to make sure we hadn't missed anything, but still we can't find it. No, we can't find anything to support the thesis that French "cult hero" Sebastien Chabal is anything other than an overhyped showpony whose notoriety derives from his interesting facial hair in a sport where everyone looks the same. As we watched him charge around the periphery of the ruck, shouting at his teammates to jump on in, just like he wasn't, we couldn't help but feel Chabal was like an irritating older brother - and because he was competing on a football field, he displayed none of the attributes that, when you're young, make having an older brother worthwhile (ID for underage drinking, a car, the ability to flick you two grand at 10 minutes' notice). His underwhelming performance led us to ponder a broader question: what makes the player - natural ability or hairstyle? Are Matt King and Willie Mason worse off for having abandoned their Afros? Would anyone remember Carlos Valderrama today if he hadn't played under such a ridiculous nest of silly frizzy hair? Would Ronaldo have scored two goals in the 2002 World Cup final if he hadn't taken to the field with a tuft of pubic hair attached to his forehead? These are the questions we seek answers to. You can provide them to: The Gladstone Small Neck Development Institute, c/o The Hon Brendan Nelson MP, House of Representatives, Parliament House, Canberra ACT 2600.

Fox Sports 3, 5.30-10.30pm; Channel Seven, 7.30-10pm

AFL . Sydney v Collingwood. To come back briefly to Sebastien Chabal, what the hell makes a player a "cult hero", anyway? When On The Box was growing up, working the bagger's shift at a salt mine in outback South Australia by day and running tricks for the Adelaide mafia by night to pay its way through primary school, having a cult following meant having a group of teenage dorks in overcoats obsess over your every public action and public thought. That's still the case today. Philip K. Dick has a cult following. Christian Bale has one. Jello Biafra has one. Twin Peaks has one. On the evidence on Saturday night, Chabal is far from having a cult following. There were no dorks. Overcoats were aplenty, but not one was worn with cultish intent. There were no giggling, word-perfect renditions of answers Chabal has given at press conferences. There were no too-faithful-for-comfort re-enactments of moves he has performed at the breakdown. Yes, there were lots of people there who somehow thought of him as some kind of weirdo, but having people in the crowd shout out, "Hey look, it's the guy with the stupid beard!" isn't enough, on its own, to give you a cult following. Being called "Caveman" doesn't earn you, overnight, a horde of lifetime stalkers. No, Chabal is not a cult figure, much less a cult hero. He's just some bloke. It's time for the media to recognise this basic fact. In years to come, it is to be hoped that all mentions of Chabal will go along these lines: "The French, propelled by the efforts of some bloke called Sébastien Chabal, repelled wave after wave of attack"; "But Chabal, some bloke from France, proved equal to the task"; "The whole of France will be hoping that Chabal, revered throughout the country as 'some bloke', will be fit in time for tomorrow night's match." Swans by 38.

Channel Ten, 7.30-11pm

CYCLING . Stage one. The Tour is back and what a Tour it promises to be! Yes, there are some disappointments in the scheduling. The Prologue has been done away with, meaning instead of a thrilling sprint-fest through the avenues of some packed and summery European capital, we'll be treated tonight to the sight of a team tactics-first dogfight through the depopulated beet fields of Brittany. And with no Alberto Contador or Michael Rasmussen in competition, the race will suffer for the lack of, respectively, its most compelling climber and most compelling drug test truant. But that's OK, because with his two main competitors gone and only a pesky few Spanish kids to dispose of, Cadel Evans, Australia's own slightly more deserving Steve Bradbury of the cycling world, looks set to whoop his high-voiced, Tibet-loving way to the yellow jersey. (As we write, we are having an initial run of 10,000 T-shirts displaying the slogan, "Cadel Evans: The Slightly More Deserving Steve Bradbury Of Australian Cycling," printed and dispatched to a number of city boutiques.) So whip on the "Free Tibet" T-shirt and settle in for your appointment with the most exhilarating, fantastic, awesome, brilliant, yee-ha event in world sport (apart from Origin, the Ashes, the football World Cup, the Copa Libertadores, the NASCAR Nextel Cup, the semi-finals of the All Ulster Hurling Championships and any preseason fixtures Sydney FC play against Blacktown City, that is).

SBS, 10pm-2am. Tour de France

GAELIC FOOTBALL . Westmeath v Dublin.

Setanta, 10.30pm-3am. Leinster SF C

GOLF . European Open. Third round.

Fox Sports 1, 11pm-3am. Euro PGA Tour

TENNIS . Women's final.

Channel Nine, 11pm-4am. Wimbledon

AND ON RADIO … - includes Knights v Dragons (first half only) from 7.30 and Australia v France rugby from 8; 630 ABC NewsRadio, 7-10pm - Sydney v Collingwood.

2KY, midday-midnight - racing; 702 ABC, midday-10pm. Grandstand SUNDAY FOOTBALL

Setanta Sports, 5-8am. Scottish Masters

GOLF. AT&T National. Third round.

Fox Sports 1, 5-8am. US PGA Tour

AMERICAN FOOTBALL . New York Dragons v Philadelphia Soul.

ESPN, 9-11.30am. Arena Football League (indoor)

MOTOR SPORT . Daytona 400.

Fox Sports 1, 9.30am-1.30pm. NASCAR Sprint Cup

LEAGUE . Storm v Raiders (Toyota Cup) from 11.30. Storm v Raiders (first grade) from 2. State of Origin III: Malapropisms, Interesting Facts and Queries from Channel Nine's Pre-Match Coverage . Pre-match malapropism 1 . Wally Lewis predicts Greg Inglis will put in some early runs to "get some confidence in the tank". Does confidence come in a tank now? More importantly, would cars be open to running on it? If so, Wally Lewis might have just brought down the curtain on climate change. Pre-match interesting fact 1 . Gus Gould reveals he first picked Danny Buderus for the NSW captaincy because he "looked like the kind of guy who could hold up the shield". Christ, how heavy is the thing? Pre-match interesting fact 2 . After he announces his name and position to camera, it becomes clear that Danny Buderus actually pronounces his surname "Bud-air-us" - not "Bud-eer-us" as everyone thinks. Pre-match query 1 . Ray Warren refers to Israel Folau as "Israel" for the 12th time in 15 minutes. No other player gets singled out for first-name favouritism like this. Should we get the federal police on the case? Pre-match malapropism 2 . Mal Meninga explains that Queensland's game plan rests on understanding what they have to do. "We have to play the full 80 minutes and we're prepared to do that," he says. That's what makes Queenslanders so strong, I guess: their ability to confront the hard, uncomfortable truths of the sport. NSW were probably all cowering in the sheds praying for 20-minute halves before the game, but for Queensland, they knew, no matter hard it may have been for others to accept, that they would be out on the field for 80 minutes in total . It's not hard to picture Meninga standing before his troops, laying down the law: "All right boys, I need you to know a few things about how tonight will be played. First, there will be two halves. They'll each go for 40 minutes. But don't worry, you'll get a break in between. At some point, you will be tackled. In return, you will have the opportunity to tackle back. Tries may be scored. I'll go into what a try is at a later stage, but you should just be ready regardless. If the ball comes to you, run forward. Or kick. Preferably high, and preferably to Israel Folau. Thanks. That's all. Enjoy the game."

Fox Sports 2, 11.30am-4pm

MOTOR SPORT . Round six from Darwin. Races two and three.

Channel Seven, 1-5.30pm. V8 supercars

NETBALL . Melbourne Vixens v Northern Mystics. Southern Steel v Queensland Firebirds from 3.30.

Fox Sports 3, 1.30-5.30pm

WIVERY . Yes, and the channel wants a-changing.

Channel Nine, 2-3pm. The Farmer Wants A Wife

LEAGUE . Eels v Panthers. A final word on Origin and we'll put the Scott Prince memorial lilac bathrobe and Danny Bud-air-us commemorative bath duck away for another year. What is wrong with the gene pool in NSW? Queensland have Johnathan Thurston with his dummy, Israel Folau with his 1000-metre vertical leap, and Greg Inglis with his whatever it was that he did well in game three. By contrast, we get Anthony Quinn with his dead legs, Paul Gallen's pea brain, Braith Anasta kicking the ball straight to the opposition fullback and Brett Stewart fish-tailing his way into a voluntary tackle under the first defender. How is it that, in just two years, such a massive gap in natural talent could have opened up between the two states? Others might like to pause to answer that question on its merits, but we prefer a more direct, policy-oriented response: it is time to start kidnapping Queenslanders from north of the border. Forget Craig Bellamy's "umbrella" defence, Phil Gould's quick play-the-ball, and the Tony Abbott-inspired "top-and-tailing" room-sharing policy that Graham Murray introduced last year: it's time for Bob McCarthy and the gang to push all talk of football to one side and focus on the real problems facing NSW. More and more, we are becoming a state of flat-footed, go-nowhere fatarses. On its own, this is cause for celebration. But it also means we are becoming less competitive in Origin matches. Now, we can address this problem in one of two ways: either we examine the root causes of NSW's non-athleticism and work towards a solution from there; or we do nothing and start stealing promising athletes from Queensland. As we sit here on the couch, with our mouths open, a half-eaten cream bun by our side and a pseudo-intellectual Niko Bellic monologue about the Bosnian war playing irritatingly in the background, it seems obvious that only the second option will provide a viable, long-term basis for this state's Origin competitiveness. People of NSW, it's time to give up on the people of NSW.

Channel Nine, 4-6pm

CRICKET . Final. Sri Lanka v TBC.

Setanta Sports, 8pm-4am. Asia Cup

CYCLING . Stage two. Auray to Saint-Brieuc.

SBS, 10pm-2am. Tour de France

TENNIS . Men's final.

Channel Nine, 10.30pm-2am. Wimbledon

GOLF . European Open. Final round.

Fox Sports 1, 11pm-3am. European PGA Tour

MOTOR SPORT . British Grand Prix.

Channel Ten, 11.30pm-1.40am. Formula One

CRICKET . West Indies v Australia.

Fox Sports 2, 11.30pm-7.30am. Fifth ODI

AND ON RADIO … - includes Storm v Raiders (first half only) from 2 and Eels v Panthers from 3.

702 ABC, midday-6pm: Grandstand

aaron.timms@gmail.com . Indoor tournament.